Mi Neurosis, Su Neurosis.

INT – CHESTER’S HOME EVENING

CHESTER drops his briefcase in the hallway after a long weekend out of town on business. Making his way to the study, he sees FACEBOOK sleeping on the floor with a pool of barf by his head.

CHESTER
(grimacing while averting his eyes)
Dear Lord…not again.

Chester sighs while nudging Facebook with his foot.

CHESTER
(continued)
Hey…get up. Get up, Facebook! I don’t have time for this right now.

Facebook grunts and swats the air, hoping to hit Chester but wasn’t even close.

FACEBOOK
(groggily and barely comprehensible)
I swear I didn’t touch her, dude.

CHESTER
(confused and exasperated)
What? Just get the fuck up!

FACEBOOK
(snoring)

CHESTER
I can’t take this anymore.

He takes a deep breath, bends down and struggles to roll the 255 lb Facebook on his back. He gets the job done, but Facebook hits his head on the banister.

FACEBOOK
(alert and annoyed)
Dude! Watch it! Holy fuck!

CHESTER
Why are you asleep in the hallway?

FACEBOOK
(rubbing the back of his head while he takes a seat on the stairs)
Dude, you missed a killer fucking party last night. Chris was there and so was…

CHESTER
(interrupting)
Okay, I guess a better question would be…why are you asleep in the hallway again?

FACEBOOK
It’s a long way to the bedroom when you had as much fun as I did last night. Haha, you know what it’s like, dude.

Facebook puts up his hand, expecting a high five.

CHESTER
(annoyed)
Get out.

FACEBOOK
(the smile quickly fades from his face)
Dude…what?

CHESTER
I want you out of here. I’ve had it with this garbage.

FACEBOOK
Because I…

Facebook tries to stand up but gets a touch of the dizzies, so he drops down to his seat on the stairs.

FACEBOOK
(continued)
Because I fell asleep in the hallway? Dude, c’mon…

CHESTER
No, Facebook. It’s not just because you fell asleep in the hallway. It’s a whole bunch of things. I just don’t think we’re…

FACEBOOK
(sniffing his armpits)
I am rank!

CHESTER
Are you listening to me?

FACEBOOK
(checking his text messages, laughing)
Haha! You are one funny dude, Chris.

(to Chester)

Huh? Sorry Chazz, just hitting up Chris with a text. That dude’s fucking awesome!

CHESTER
(sighing)
See? This is exactly what I mean. It’s like you don’t care about me at all.

FACEBOOK
(with his eyes locked on his phone)
Don’t care? Dude, I totally care! Remember when I gave you that gift?

CHESTER
The roll of toilet paper?

FACEBOOK
Yeah, man!

CHESTER
(frustrated)
I bought that!

FACEBOOK
(looking up at Chester)
Ok, so I haven’t been the greatest boyfriend. We can work through that.

Facebook tenderly reaches for Chester’s hand but he pulls away.

CHESTER
(disgusted)
Don’t fucking touch me. I don’t know where you’ve been.

FACEBOOK
(so offended he slams his phone down)
You’re blaming this relationship on me?! Look at you! With your fucking tie and your fucking briefcase. You’ve changed, dude.

CHESTER
(stunned)
I’ve changed? Please! You think I don’t know what goes on in your life? You think I don’t know what you’ve been up to? Telling me I’ve changed because I don’t sit around and get drunk anymore! I swear…the fucking balls on you.

FACEBOOK
Oh yeah? And what have I been up to?

CHESTER
Look at your new friends. You’re partying with 40 year olds now. You were hanging out with my uncle. Do you know how un-fucking-comfortable that is to see?

FACEBOOK
But I…

CHESTER
(interrupting)
You’re not cool anymore, Facebook. Haven’t you wondered why I’ve been cancelling our dates? Last Friday?

FACEBOOK
(hanging his head, scratching the back of his neck)
I thought you just really wanted to watch The Princess Diaries.

CHESTER
(alarmed)
What?! How did you know that? I thought I told you to stop watching my every fucking move! Christ!

FACEBOOK
Dude, I’m sorry, ok? What do you want me to say? One of my buddies was asking where you were at, so I had to tell him something!

CHESTER
You’re telling people this stuff?! Who? Blockbuster? Verizion? So help me god, if it’s Verizon…

FACEBOOK
(interrupting)
Dude, chill. It’s no biggie, man.

CHESTER
I want you out of my fucking house now!

FACEBOOK
(standing up)
C’mon…count to ten, man. Let’s have a couple brewskies and start fresh.

CHESTER
Now!

FACEBOOK
…for real?

CHESTER
For real. I never want to see you again.

FACEBOOK
You have some stuff over at my place. Can I keep it?

CHESTER
What? No. It’s mine. Just…FedEx it to me or something.

FACEBOOK
No, I wanna keep it. You may decide to come back to me one day.

CHESTER
Fine, whatever. Just…leave already.

Facebook sullenly lumbers down the hall and out the door. Chester quickly locks the door behind him and with his back to the door, he slides to the ground with a satisfied grin on his face. Reaching into his pocket, he pulls out his cell phone and places a call.

CHESTER
Hey, OpenSocial? It’s Chester. I was wondering…are you free tonight?